I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
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wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.