Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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Sex so good, you make bed angels with your arms and legs afterwards.
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Not to brag, but all 6 of my previous therapists are having successful careers in different fields now
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says “Buy Nerf guns and candy”, but the adult in me says “Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy”.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.