@Bunnydurden

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

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@GorillaNipples1

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

@Sean_Burgundy_

Not to brag, but all 6 of my previous therapists are having successful careers in different fields now

@sucittaM

I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says “Buy Nerf guns and candy”, but the adult in me says “Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy”.

@PaulyPeligroso

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

@Rollinintheseat

It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.