I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.