If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
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Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
– not the least bit dry
– shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you