I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
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Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.