I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.