Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
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I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am