*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
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Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too