I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
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GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal