I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
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Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.