@Nickadoo: I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I'd need to do is kill the boss.
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@Ristolable: *gives joke answer to daughter's 75th consecutive question* [20 years later, she's in an office] "Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973"
@orange_rhymer: Me: I invited Todd over for dinner. Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally? *Todd exits out the back door with our television*
@jamdugg: There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas. Guess which one you’ll end up with
@dafloydsta: [first day as a ghost] BOSS: ur job is to scare people ME: ok [later] ME: *whispering to millennials* you'll never pay off ur student loans