@Nickadoo

I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.

You Might Also Like

@ComedicBust

I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.

@donnalburt

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

@MarfSalvador

[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
me: lol
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first

@MomOfTeen

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

@TheDrunkStory

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

@all_dredd

her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal

[later at dinner]

her: why are you doing this?

me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??

@ElliotHetherton

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

@UtterlyTC

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

@Tups13

Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?