[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
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“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
guys I’m going home
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.