I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.
I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.
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The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal
[later at dinner]
her: why are you doing this?
me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Memes really need signatures. What genius did this?
Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?