So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
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Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
How wrong was this guy?
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone