My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.