Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
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I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes