You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
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Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I’m sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.