I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
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VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.