@TheDreamGhoul

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

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@wittwitbarista

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

@refreshingslurp

Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew

@EndhooS

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

@ValeeGrrl

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

@thejayroyal

Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I’m sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?

@GrillinChillin9

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

@Midgetspar

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”