You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
This line from Airplane.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.