I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
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I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.