@KentWGraham

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

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@KentWGraham

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

@dj_raleigh

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

@theNuzzy

What do we want?
HEARING AIDS!
When do we want them?
WHAT?!

@cervixsmash

If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you

@Fred_Delicious

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

@77StephanieG77

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

@AngelaEhh

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

@amyjcordova

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

@LurkAtHomeMom

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.