I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

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GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*


Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.


Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…


I’m getting worried about this Ebola virus.

I mean, I’ve got Norton but.


Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.


– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons


Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters