I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

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If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.


Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring


What do we want?
When do we want them?


If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you


[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”


Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.


You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??


Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Me: Miller Light


No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.