GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
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“no problem” -me lying
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I’m getting worried about this Ebola virus.
I mean, I’ve got Norton but.
Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
*eats banana seductively
Banana: I have a boyfriend
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters