I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
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“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.