The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
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I like sleeping, it’s like death without the commitment.
Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he’s my twitter husband.
Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.
DOCTOR: *stethoscope on my back* Gimme a very slow exhale.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game