I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
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I drew y’all a little something.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Mission: Impossible
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.