I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up

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6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.


If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.


Wife: You’re sat doing nothing. AGAIN

Me: I’m keeping the zombie hordes at bay

Wife: There are no zombie hordes

Me: You’re welcome


Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.


Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”



Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES


Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…


Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.


Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.