Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
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[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Need WebMD
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.