6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up
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If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.
Wife: You’re sat doing nothing. AGAIN
Me: I’m keeping the zombie hordes at bay
Wife: There are no zombie hordes
Me: You’re welcome
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I have a black belt in leather
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.