@sumpeoplelikeit

I wish people were more like dogs and you could just give them those three little pats and they’d know our interaction was over.

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@dshack8

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

@danchovy

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

@thenatewolf

ME AFTER 2 GLASSES OF WINE: This beautiful life is meant to be enjoyed! Let us feast and make merry!

ME AFTER 4 GLASSES OF WINE: I have 938 worst enemies and I will now name them all.

@djdarrellripley

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

@zachreinert03

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

@ChaseMit

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

@notbedelia

When your wife says she needs a new broom it’s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.

@RatCasket

what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?

@ruinedpicnic

J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”