*eats only grass-fed donuts
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A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.