The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
You Might Also Like
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”