I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
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Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
This probably isn’t good
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”