I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
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It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.