I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
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Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.