I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.


I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life


Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.


The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.


I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.


I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit


Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.


no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat


She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.


The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco