@gingerfaced

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

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@MaryJustice86

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

@envydatropic

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

@Reverend_Scott

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

@eTHEgoddess

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

@madcaplaughs30

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

@Vanilla_cupcak

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

@duplicitron

Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.

@mom_tho

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

@TheRolo

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

@daemonic3

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco