I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
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I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I have questions??
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…