I wish softcore horror was a genre. Like, “LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU IT’S A KITTEN! OH THANK GOD IT’S JUST A FEATHER.”

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friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.


Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?


She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.


The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.


KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper


Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus


I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet


Listen mate, the only rapture I’m interested in was sung by Debbie Harry


I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.