hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks