[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
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my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat