Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
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No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
honestly, i need both:
The Sun
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me