I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
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I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
i hate you platonically
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)