I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
You Might Also Like
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”