First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
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spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
the battle rages on
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy