I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
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I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.