I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
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So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”