I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

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Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.


What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.


Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver


I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.


boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar


I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.


I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.


Chalant isn’t even a word. Well played nonchalant. Well played.


How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.