Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ndiquote

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

@Cheeseboy22

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

@abbycohenwl

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

@iGreenGod

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

@jimmytorosian

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

@DannyZuker

Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.

@tsm560

By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.

@BGH70

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

@envydatropic

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

@4ScoreN20Bowls

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve