My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.
By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve