I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

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My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.


Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”


Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass


Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”


Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.


Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.


By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.


2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser


I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed


robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve