I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
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When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That