@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

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@TheBoydP

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

@Epygma

*Jesus drinking at a bar*
*jesus orders another drink*
“jesus you’re too drunk I can’t give you anymore”
Kan I jst haev a water?
“nice try”

@impJOKER

She: I wanna be alone for halloween.

Me: Yes, loans are very scary.

@RidiculousSheri

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

@DevilryFun

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

@InternetHippo

All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news

@mattytalks

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

@TwinSurvivalist

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

@TheMichaelRock

Bad news: I just stepped on the cat.

Even worse news: I think I just created a Nicki Minaj song.