I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it