I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
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i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Clients after you give them your rates
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races