I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
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“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Otters see a butterfly.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.