*stirs coffee with knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
You Might Also Like
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
me: $20 on pump three
cashier: that’s the cheese dispenser
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’m just a girl, standing in my kitchen, forgetting what I came in here for.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?