@iamspacegirl

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

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@PetrickSara

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

@iRowlf

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

@daemonic3

me: $20 on pump three

cashier: that’s the cheese dispenser

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

@YourMomsucksTho

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

@AngryRaccoon2

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

@jazmasta

Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?

@radtoria

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

@CindyMeakin

I’m just a girl, standing in my kitchen, forgetting what I came in here for.

@DrakeGatsby

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?