@CynicalTherapi1

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

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@SkinnerSteven

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

@

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@BritishNicx

Me: Oh yeah, baby. Tie me up and put a blindfold on me…Grrrr.

Him: Erm…I’m only here to rob the bank…and I have a boyfriend.

@roxiqt

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

@Skoog

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

@cottoncandaddy

date: I’m super outgoing and active so I’d definitely be a dog. what about you?

me, staring out the window: most koalas die falling out of trees because they just forget to hold on, so that’s probably where I’m at in the animal kingdom

@_NinJar

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

@FeverFlave

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

@robdelaney

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

@leechee420

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.