I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

You Might Also Like


I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed




Me: Oh yeah, baby. Tie me up and put a blindfold on me…Grrrr.

Him: Erm…I’m only here to rob the bank…and I have a boyfriend.


Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-


me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]


date: I’m super outgoing and active so I’d definitely be a dog. what about you?

me, staring out the window: most koalas die falling out of trees because they just forget to hold on, so that’s probably where I’m at in the animal kingdom


*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*


*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.


Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.


I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.