I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
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me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?