I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.

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Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not “like Dan Aykroyd.”


[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.


Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.


Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg


[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps


worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone


“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”


someone asked : are you coming?

me: No, but I’m breathing fast…




me: I guess I’ll save that one for Twitter


Your first mistake was wearing heels in this dodgeball tournament, Jason. The second was thinking that they went with that dress.


If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.


Finishing up my kite with a key attached.

No this quarantine isn’t bother me.

I’m good!