The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game