I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it’s just because he’s Canadian.

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Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*


I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.


me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now


You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it


Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.


“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.


Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.



So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler


I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER