I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it’s just because he’s Canadian.

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*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*


My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one


“What’s today?”

Normal people: Sunday….

Motivational speakers: Today is Monday waiting to happen.


{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.


How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong


[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules


Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.


I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.


Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:



5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no