My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
S/o to @funTweeters .
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.