I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
You Might Also Like
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are