Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
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A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”
If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I’d appreciate it. I’ve been locked out for about 4 years now
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.