@bridger_w

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

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@Just__J0

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

@inmybox07

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

@aparnapkin

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

@Karate_Horse

[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”

@IfTonyTweeted

If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I’d appreciate it. I’ve been locked out for about 4 years now

@internetluke

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

@nyquills

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

@MicheleAKALips

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.