I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
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Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year