I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
You Might Also Like
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Autocorrect completely socks
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Nice try, poison.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.