I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
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The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: