i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
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I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line