I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

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Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?


If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.


“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”


Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer


Don’t blame me. You’re the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.


Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.


Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.


Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.

Fine. A Pizza


If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.