I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
*3.5 thank you very much.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.