@mattgallo123

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

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@mayamanion

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

@GianDoh

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

@trevso_electric

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

@Royal_Stein

Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer

@TomTheWicked

Don’t blame me. You’re the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.

@QueefTornado

Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.

@UnFitz

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

@BluEzeNBrwnSkin

Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.

Fine. A Pizza

@AdamUrbane

If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.