Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
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If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer
Don’t blame me. You’re the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Watching a birth is beautiful.
Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.
Fine. A Pizza
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.