I wish this was real life…

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Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is


i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.


Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.


Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*

5 minutes later



Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.


Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.


My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.


My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.


We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.


I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.