@MensHumor

I wish this was real life…

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@sageboggs

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

@MasterOfFury

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

@Brohamulet

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

@Brianhopecomedy

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

@SamReidSays

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

@JustMeTurtle

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

@sixfootcandy

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

@HatfieldAnne

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

@KevinBuffalo

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.