Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it
You Might Also Like
I drink, therefore I am…. Drunk.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
me: son, your mother’s in hospital
son: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?