I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it

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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute


It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.


A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones


[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it


I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.


People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”


me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok


[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store


#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.