boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
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Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot